For a long time, I had one question that kept coming up...
Why did I keep going back?
Not while I was in an unhealthy relationship, but after. When I finally had some distance and things got quiet, that’s when it would be the loudest.
For the longest time, I felt dumb. I felt like I had wasted years. I kept asking myself how I could have let someone treat me that way, over and over again.
There was a lot of guilt and shame that came with it.
What I didn’t have then was an answer that actually helped. Not “you deserve better” or “you just need to love yourself more.” Something that made real sense of why a smart, aware woman keeps ending up in the same place.
What changed everything for me wasn’t a better answer to that question. It was a different question entirely.
Not, why did I keep going back?
But, why did going back make sense at the time?
Because there is a reason, there is always a reason. And it has nothing to do with being weak, dumb, or bad at relationships.
When we grow up in environments with a lot of unpredictability, and that can look like so many things, tension you could feel, but no one talked about, a parent who ran hot and cold, a home where calm was rare, our nervous system learns to read that environment. It learns what to expect. And over time, that charged energy starts to feel normal.
The unpredictability doesn’t always have to be dramatic. Sometimes it’s just our parents or caregivers bringing the stress of everyday life back through the door. Work, finances, their own unresolved pain. And without even realizing it, that energy shapes what feels normal to us.
And here’s the part that changed everything for me.
Our nervous system can confuse familiarity with safety.
So when you find yourself in a relationship with that same push-and-pull energy, that intensity, that “I never quite know where I stand” feeling, part of you recognizes it.
Not in your mind. In your body.
And that recognition can feel like chemistry, connection, or even love. Like a pull you can’t explain and can’t logic your way out of.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your nervous system may be responding in ways that once helped you feel connected, safe, or less alone.
And when I started understanding this, the thing that shifted first wasn't my patterns. It was my compassion for myself. I stopped asking what was wrong with me and started understanding why I responded the way I did, given what I'd been through. It gave me the peace I needed to forgive myself.
And patterns that were learned in relationships can also begin to heal in safe relationships, including the relationship you build with yourself.
That was the beginning of everything for me.
I think that’s where it starts for most of us. Not with a big decision or a breakthrough moment. But with one question.
What if there’s nothing wrong with me? What if this has just been making a different kind of sense?
If this resonated, I would love to hear from you.
And if you're ready to start making sense of your own patterns, gently and without blame, The Attraction Reset is there when you're ready.